June 22nd, 2009
|01:01 am - I wish I hadn’t… bought you dinner…|
Right before you
dumped me on your front porch
Give me my money back
Give me my money back, you bitch
Note: This was written back on March 15th. I hadn't posted it until now because... well... I just hadn't. I figured that, for posterity's sake, I should get around to that. Yeah, I know it's way overdue, but at least now I don't feel as strongly about it.
So ends the story of Jess Hart, the Happily Smitten Bastard.
This gets a little complicated, but bear with me. Hey, you can bare with me, too, if you want -- I don’t mind being the only one bare right now.
After making plans for Valentine’s Day and getting gifts and going out of my way to be a good boyfriend, I was feeling pretty strong in my relationship; I was doing my best to give Grace the Valentine’s Day she’d never gotten from any other boyfriend -- ever. She picked the restaurant, we were set up to go see Coraline in 3D, and I had chosen thoughtful, personalized gifts and a card I thought would make her laugh but which was also pretty sweet.
Aaaaaand… on February 12th, two days before Valentine’s and apropos of nothing, she called me over to her house and broke up with me.
It really came out of nowhere. Her reasoning was an awkward jumble of concepts, including a run-in with an ex-boyfriend that she used to care about deeply (while she wasn’t interested in getting back together with him, it was offset by her not feeling the same about me); also mentioned was the fact that I don’t listen, as well as some oddness of the “it’s not you, it’s me” variety. I figured out pretty quickly that arguing logically and pointing out that this was a “to work on” issue rather than a game-ender wasn’t going to get me very far, so I took it like a man and wished her well, letting her know I’d be in touch to handle the exchange of mutual belongings.
After about a week and a half I text-messaged her to arrange an exchange, and she put me off about it for a bit before finally giving me a time to show up at her place. I arrived, box in hand, having essentially gotten over it -- I’d had my feelings bruised, but I’m strong enough to move on with little damage, and while I missed Grace I wasn’t heartbroken. She invited me in, surprisingly, and after a few minutes of conversation she stated that she wanted me back.
Her reasons were pretty sound:
-- She’d known from the moment she broke up with me and watched me walk away that she’d screwed up.
-- She’d wanted to tell me this from the get-go, but pride and embarrassment (and the fear that I’d tell her to get lost) prevented her from doing so.
-- She’d been miserable and depressed since we broke up.
-- She had actually gotten back together with her ex and realized she hated him and just missed me.
I wasn’t terribly flattered, but I warily agreed to give it another shot -- after all, I missed Grace and didn’t want to break up with her in the first place. I was willing to work on things.
At first, it was good. We spent days together at her place, I took her to see Watchmen, I played with Morgan and helped Grace out and tried harder to get along with her mother. But then Grace was constantly making plans with me and then putting them off hour by hour, keeping me on a string but not giving me my free time. I finally got a bit miffed about wasting my time waiting on her, and she called me up early on a Wednesday to let me know she’d decided it wasn’t fair that she was taking me for granted. She loves me, but she wants to focus all of her love and attention on Morgan, who she feels deserves all of it. She can’t be a good mother to Morgan while dating anyone, apparently, and she very stubbornly stuck to that despite my logical arguments. So I got shut down hardcore, and we broke up. Again.
I wanted things between us to be civil, so I stopped by just to say goodbye the next day -- nothing major, just shaking hands and wishing each other well. No arguments, just a simple “I hope for the best for you” and a fare-thee-well. Grace was just not having that, however, and was pretty snarky to me about it, having nothing good to say to me and generally acting affronted that I’d do such a thing. I said I was sorry for taking up her time, and that was the end of it. Now we’re done.
Am I upset? I was really sad when we broke up the first time, as I really cared about Grace and didn’t want to break up with her at all. I was a little depressed about it for a few days, and still hurt about it after a week, but over the next week or so I just sort of got over it. I do that; I recover quickly, I examined all of the reasons why it was okay, and I logically just sort of moved past it. Then she reeled me back in and made me feel all warm and fuzzy and wanted again (though I was really wary of it happening again), and then she slapped me down again just as fast.
This time around, I’m feeling more like “Thanks for wasting my fucking time.” I gave her another chance and she squandered it, then had the audacity to kind of be a rag about it to me afterward, as if I didn’t have the right to feel totally affronted. My feelings are hurt a bit at how easily she cast me aside (she told me it wasn’t easy, but I still stand that if she actually cared, she wouldn’t have done it like that), but mostly I’m pissed off for getting sucked back in. I mean, I like Grace a lot and think she’s a great person, and I honestly hope for the best for her and Morgan in the future, but damn her for toying with me like that, whatever her reasons. I don’t deserve that. I wouldn’t do that to anyone, and never have. I hope these issues are things Grace works out before she tries again with another guy, which is sort of inevitable given her serial monogamist history.
Oh, and on that other guy note? She moved on not long after me to some other dude. So much for focusing on being a mom.
At any rate, I’m back to being single again. Wahoo. Isn’t it bloody wonderful?
Today’s song is the Ben Folds Five, “Song for the Dumped”
Current Mood: Not as Mad as I Was Back Then
Current Music: Ben Folds Five, "Song for the Dumped"